Broken

We've all heard the verse "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13), well I'm about done with being tested.  I really don't think I can take anymore...everyday there seems to be some new curve ball that is being thrown at me that I need to try and cope with.  Every around me is happy and moving on with life (and that's great for them) but please don't expected me to be jumping up and down in glee.  I'm still mourning.  I'm still struggling with all the 'tests' that God has given me and I feel like I"m drowning in it right now.
I'm tired of hearing that it's time to move on, it's time to be happy, it's time to stop feeling the pain, that's it's been a year why am I still holding on.  I LOST MY CHILD!!!!  That will never go away.  The pain will never stop.  It is forever burned into my heart.  Unless you've been in this place, you cannot understand the devastation, the loss, the pain, the sheer torture of not being able to hold your child, or love your child, or see that child grow into something amazing.  Yes, she's healthy.  Yes, she's whole.  Yes, she's with Jesus.  I'm grateful for all of that.  I still want her here with me though...


I know will not be in this place forever and my anger and pain will subside.  I am trusting that God is and will continue to walk beside me through this journey.  I just wish I could actually feel His presence.  This place I'm in feels so very lonely...I feel so very abandoned by my faith and my God right now.  I feel/see those around me being blessed with so much and I wonder what I have done to make God not want to bless my life.  What am I missing??  What do I need to change??  What do I still need to learn??  I'm trusting Him but maybe not enough??  Maybe I"m still holding on to too much??  I'm at a loss.


So I will continue to try and move forward...I will continue to try and rely on my faith (which feels absent) to get me through...

Emotions

It's been a while since I posted.  These last few months have been filled with so many emotions and I wasn't able to really put them into words.  We have been trying to get pregnant again with the help of fertility drugs.  This is not an easy process as the drugs themselves make me more emotional and take a toll on my body.  We have been clinging to hope that we will be able to experience the joy of having another child.  So far, no luck.  Which brings disappointment, frustration, pain and sorrow.  There's also anger and desperation mixed in.  On top of dealing with that, we just celebrated Ashlynne's 1 year heavenly anniversary.  I had no idea how much deep, intense, agonizing pain and sorrow would resurface with this occasion.   I have not felt this type of emotion since losing Ashlynne a year ago.  It took me by surprise and I have not been dealing with it well.  It has shaken me to my core and I have started to doubt everything and everyone in my life. I have episodes of uncontrolled crying.  I couldn't stop if I wanted too.  I know this is still part of the healing process but it's hard on my family and friends to see my go through this and have no idea how to help...I have no idea what they could do to help...I need prayer.  I need to dig deep into my faith again, even though I have anger towards God right now, and pull myself out of this pit.  I need to heal and move forward and not linger in this pain.  It is suffocating....

Disappointment

This last month was a month of hope, excitement and ultimately disappointment.  We started trying to conceive again.  First time since losing Ashlynne.  I kept going back and forth on whether this was what I really wanted.  A baby again...our youngest is almost 4.  Do I really want to lose all the independence that we seem to have now?  Go back to breast feeding and diapers??  I was really confused on how I felt.  The fertility drugs certainly didn't help and had adverse effects on my body but I wasn't going to let it slow me down.  We went through the motions and as the time approached to check if everything went according to 'our' plan, I got a faint + test on DPO 10 and another on DPO 11.  I was so exicted!!!  And then I was scared to death.  And then I was excited again.  I called my mom and my husband and we started praying and talking and planning.  The next morning I took another test just to be sure.  It came up -.  We were confused so I took another test and it was -.  Needless to say, my cycle started and there is no pregnancy.  But this whole experience did make me realize just how much I do want another child.  It also made me realize that my plan and my dream for my life may not be what God has planned and I have to find a way to be ok with that.  I'm not there yet but I am relying on God to show me the way to get there. 

Moving Forward

Decision have to be made.  We can't keep pushing them aside.  So, Darren and I sat down and talked...about the future of our family.  What we wanted to do and when.  It was a hard topic to discuss after losing Ashlynne.  Is it the right time?  Was losing her God's way of saying we had enough kids or that I wasn't a good enough mother?  Are we honoring Ashlynne's memory enough?  What will our families say?  What will our friends say?  Financially can we still afford it?  And so on.  So many questions and really no answers.  So we decided to pray.  And pray some more.  We'd each have our own conversations with God then talk with each other.  Yes, it was time to move forward.  It was time to start making decisions.  Yes, it was time to start the process of trying again.  So we press forward with hope in our hearts trying not to allow fear and anxiety to take hold.  Here's to giving it all over to God and allowing Him to do what is best and right for our family....

Grief

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Psalm 46:1-2
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

Psalm 48:14
For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 71:20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 138:7
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. 

I have experienced many forms of grief/loss/mourning in my 36 yrs on this earth.  But none has been as difficult as losing my dtr at 22wks pregnant.  I have never felt so much sadness, emptiness, anger, lonesomeness, or helplessness.  At the same time, I have never felt so close to my Savior either.  I cannot imagine how people go through such difficult times without the love, strength, comfort or promises of God. I have never been so sure of any decision in my life than the one I made when I asked Jesus to my personal Savior and take over my life for me than I am now.  Do I like all the paths I am taken down - no.  Do I like that I am challenged outside of my comfort zone - no.  Do I like that I have suffering and pain in my life - no.  But at the same time, if I didn't go through any of those things, I wouldn't be the strong, God fearing, compassionate and loving person I am today.  I know that I still have a long road of healing ahead of me.  One does not just 'get over' the loss of a child but I also know that each step I take forward with Christ at my side is one that makes me stronger.  There will be bumps in the road, there will be tears, there will be regrets, there will be fear but there will also be joy, fulfillment, support, love and so much more.  Thank you to all my family and friends that have walked beside me thus far.  I continue to ask for your support, encouragement and most of all your prayers.

Parents

Why is it that once you have kids of your own, your parents think it's funny to teach them everything they thought was unacceptable  and wouldn't teach you growing up?  My mother especially drives me crazy with this.  She thinks it's hilarious to teach my 6 yr old daughter phrases like "Whatever", "Talk to the Hand", "I can't hear you".  I find it so disrespectful to me for her to do this.  She's also teaching my daughter how disrespect me in how she speaks.  Although my father isn't as bad, he does his own annoying things.  He'll get the kids all wild in a store - like chasing them all over the place - and then expect them to just STOP the first time he asks.  You've just made them hyper and now they have to behave at the drop of a hat!!!  If they don't, he gets angry with them.  I just don't understand their laid back position with my kids.  Their lack of example, their lack of judgement, their lack of responsibility in helping to raise them into remarkable Christians and well mannered, well respected, amazing human beings.  I have tried to talk to them and all I get back is that I'm over reacting and their just having fun with the kids. I don't think they are being a godly example.  Am I over reacting?  Am I being too sensitive???   I don't think so...

Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."

 Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Celebrations gone bust

One desire of my heart is to have a well built in Ashlynne's name.  It's through an organization called Holden's Uganda.  (www.holdenuganda.org). Not only does it give me something tangible for Ashlynne, it helps hundred's if not thousands of people in Uganda have clean drinking water.  I think it such an amazing way to honor her.  However, I seem to alone in my need to remember Ashlynne in tangible ways.  My family seems to think I've lost my mind.  They look at me sideways at the mention of building this well or even wanting to do a celebration of Ashlynne's heavenly birthday.  I see so many women doing these things for their babies and their families and friends surrounding them and I feel isolated and alone.  My own husband doesn't understand.  He wants to silently remember her and not put on a production.  I feel like I can't move forward the I want, I can't honor her the way I want, I can't have something tangible for her.  My heart is still broken and it continues to break as I try to heal but heal alone without my families support.

Big Changes

It has been 1yr and 8months since I last posted.  Oh, so much has happened.  Kayla is now 6yrs old and in grade 1.  She amazes me every day with her humor, intelligence, love for life and love for God.  Braden is now 3 1/2yrs old.  He is so full of life, loves adventure and is such a snuggler.  More often than not, he'll end up in our bed at night as he doesn't like sleeping alone.  My children are my world.  I love more than I could ever have realized.
In June of 2010 I wrote about having a miscarriage.  I failed to mention that I also suffered a miscarriage that January.  I think I didn't want to recognize it as one since it happened so early.  I have also had no patience so waiting till 5 days before you're due to test is hard enough.  I had tested, it was positive, I tested again, still positive.  Then 7 days later, the monthly friend arrived.  Was I crazy to think I was actually pregnant?  I checked the tests again and both were obvious positives.  But I was only 4 1/2 wks along.  That means, I have lost 3 babies...how does that happen?
Darren and I chose to wait a full 6 months before we started to try again.  During this time I really questioned my faith...was I listening to God or was I only hearing my own desires.  I would pray that my voice  would be silenced so I could only hear God's will.  All I kept hearing was to try again...not to give up.
So in December 2010, we tried again and to our surprise, we got pregnant right away.  I was so full of joy and excitement.  I got my early ultrasound and saw the heartbeat which was strong.  We started talking names...I know it was still early...I was only 7wks along but I couldn't help it.  I looked forward to my pre-natals as I knew I would hear the heartbeat and that gave me such joy and peace.  Time passed, appt's came and went and everything was moving along as it should.  The heartbeat was always strong and was leaning towards the female gender.  Soon it would be time for the detailed u/s and we could find out for sure.
19wks came and so did my u/s.  I was filled with nervousness and anxiety.  Usually I am so excited but it was different this time.  I even told Darren that I was scared something was wrong.  He told me it was just excitement and to stop stressing.  After waiting for almost 20 minutes, we were ushered into a room.  The tech came in and began the u/s.  After lying there for a long time, she excused herself and I said to Darren that  I thought something was wrong cause the u/s was going on for too long.  He told me to relax and not over think things.  She came back in and asked to do a few more photos.  I said ok.  After what seemed like 30 minutes I asked if I could use the bathroom.  On the way to the bathroom I again said to Darren that I thought something was wrong.  He again tried to reassure me.  When I got back to the room, the tech excused herself as she needed to speak with the radiologist.  I knew something was wrong.  They both entered the room and the radiologist asked if he could do a few more pictures.  My heart was racing.  I started thinking of all the possible things that could be wrong with the baby and how we would deal with it. 
At that point I couldn't take it anymore and I straight out said, there's something wrong isn't there. He said 'yes' but he needed to get a better idea of what. When he was done, he told us that there were several abnormalities wrong with Ashlynne. He went on to tell us what they were but at that point it wasn't sinking in. The only thing we heard him say was that she had less than a 5% chance of making it fullterm. We booked an appt with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic who had the top dr's for fetal medicine in all of Alberta for a second opinion. They agreed with the diagnosis and believed she had Trisomy 18 and did an amnio and blood work to confirm. We started reading up on it and were so saddened by the diagnosis. But we found out that that diagnosis was wrong...it was NOT Trisomy 18. They had no idea what to give us as a diagnosis. After consulting, the top dr met with us and said this, with Trisomy 18 she would have had 5% or less to survive but with all the abnormalities she had, they gave her less than 2%. On top of that, because they didn't know what was causing all the problems, they were concerned it may effect or damage my uterus and cause infertility. They also expressed a deep concern for my own health if I continued to carry on with the pregnancy. So they gave us 2 choices 1.) carry on with the pregnancy and hope nothing happened and if it did, surgically remove Ashlynne or 2.) book a medical termination (induction) and deliver her now.
We struggled for days with what to do. We prayed, had people pray over us and had others praying for us. Finally Darren looked at me and said, you have 2 other children who are alive and need you, we need to have you induced now to ensure nothing happens to you. So 2 wks later, I was induced and Ashlynne was born still and went to with Jesus. They did an autopsy and several genetic tests to try and figure out what happened...the diagnosis...WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED but it started at about 3wks into the pregnancy and there was nothing you could have done. She had spinal bifida (her spine was severed at the bottom of her ribs and a sack of spinal fluid grew so she would be paralyzed), because of the spine, her skull was being pulled so it formed a lemon shape which did not allow her brain to grow properly so she would have no way to feel, speak, eat, love, have any type of emotion at all, she had 2 club feet, 1 kidney and her heart was flipped upside down and wired backwards. So if she had made it to full term and through delivery, she would of had to have 2 open heart surgeries to fix her heart and then another surgery to close her spine. They dr's all agreed, she wouldn't not have been able to survive even one of those surgeries.
I still struggle with whether or not we made the right decision.  My heart breaks thinking that maybe if we had of just waited, God could have done a miracle.  Maybe we didn't trust Him enough, maybe nothing would have happened to me or my body and I could have had more time with her.  Guilt suffocates me some days.   I know God is faithful, I know He is forgiving and I know I am covered by His blood but I still feel the guilt...