Disappointment

This last month was a month of hope, excitement and ultimately disappointment.  We started trying to conceive again.  First time since losing Ashlynne.  I kept going back and forth on whether this was what I really wanted.  A baby again...our youngest is almost 4.  Do I really want to lose all the independence that we seem to have now?  Go back to breast feeding and diapers??  I was really confused on how I felt.  The fertility drugs certainly didn't help and had adverse effects on my body but I wasn't going to let it slow me down.  We went through the motions and as the time approached to check if everything went according to 'our' plan, I got a faint + test on DPO 10 and another on DPO 11.  I was so exicted!!!  And then I was scared to death.  And then I was excited again.  I called my mom and my husband and we started praying and talking and planning.  The next morning I took another test just to be sure.  It came up -.  We were confused so I took another test and it was -.  Needless to say, my cycle started and there is no pregnancy.  But this whole experience did make me realize just how much I do want another child.  It also made me realize that my plan and my dream for my life may not be what God has planned and I have to find a way to be ok with that.  I'm not there yet but I am relying on God to show me the way to get there.