It has been 1yr and 8months since I last posted. Oh, so much has happened. Kayla is now 6yrs old and in grade 1. She amazes me every day with her humor, intelligence, love for life and love for God. Braden is now 3 1/2yrs old. He is so full of life, loves adventure and is such a snuggler. More often than not, he'll end up in our bed at night as he doesn't like sleeping alone. My children are my world. I love more than I could ever have realized.
In June of 2010 I wrote about having a miscarriage. I failed to mention that I also suffered a miscarriage that January. I think I didn't want to recognize it as one since it happened so early. I have also had no patience so waiting till 5 days before you're due to test is hard enough. I had tested, it was positive, I tested again, still positive. Then 7 days later, the monthly friend arrived. Was I crazy to think I was actually pregnant? I checked the tests again and both were obvious positives. But I was only 4 1/2 wks along. That means, I have lost 3 babies...how does that happen?
Darren and I chose to wait a full 6 months before we started to try again. During this time I really questioned my faith...was I listening to God or was I only hearing my own desires. I would pray that my voice would be silenced so I could only hear God's will. All I kept hearing was to try again...not to give up.
So in December 2010, we tried again and to our surprise, we got pregnant right away. I was so full of joy and excitement. I got my early ultrasound and saw the heartbeat which was strong. We started talking names...I know it was still early...I was only 7wks along but I couldn't help it. I looked forward to my pre-natals as I knew I would hear the heartbeat and that gave me such joy and peace. Time passed, appt's came and went and everything was moving along as it should. The heartbeat was always strong and was leaning towards the female gender. Soon it would be time for the detailed u/s and we could find out for sure.
19wks came and so did my u/s. I was filled with nervousness and anxiety. Usually I am so excited but it was different this time. I even told Darren that I was scared something was wrong. He told me it was just excitement and to stop stressing. After waiting for almost 20 minutes, we were ushered into a room. The tech came in and began the u/s. After lying there for a long time, she excused herself and I said to Darren that I thought something was wrong cause the u/s was going on for too long. He told me to relax and not over think things. She came back in and asked to do a few more photos. I said ok. After what seemed like 30 minutes I asked if I could use the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom I again said to Darren that I thought something was wrong. He again tried to reassure me. When I got back to the room, the tech excused herself as she needed to speak with the radiologist. I knew something was wrong. They both entered the room and the radiologist asked if he could do a few more pictures. My heart was racing. I started thinking of all the possible things that could be wrong with the baby and how we would deal with it.
At that point I couldn't take it anymore and I straight out said, there's something wrong isn't there. He said 'yes' but he needed to get a better idea of what. When he was done, he told us that there were several abnormalities wrong with Ashlynne. He went on to tell us what they were but at that point it wasn't sinking in. The only thing we heard him say was that she had less than a 5% chance of making it fullterm. We booked an appt with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic who had the top dr's for fetal medicine in all of Alberta for a second opinion. They agreed with the diagnosis and believed she had Trisomy 18 and did an amnio and blood work to confirm. We started reading up on it and were so saddened by the diagnosis. But we found out that that diagnosis was wrong...it was NOT Trisomy 18. They had no idea what to give us as a diagnosis. After consulting, the top dr met with us and said this, with Trisomy 18 she would have had 5% or less to survive but with all the abnormalities she had, they gave her less than 2%. On top of that, because they didn't know what was causing all the problems, they were concerned it may effect or damage my uterus and cause infertility. They also expressed a deep concern for my own health if I continued to carry on with the pregnancy. So they gave us 2 choices 1.) carry on with the pregnancy and hope nothing happened and if it did, surgically remove Ashlynne or 2.) book a medical termination (induction) and deliver her now.
We struggled for days with what to do. We prayed, had people pray over us and had others praying for us. Finally Darren looked at me and said, you have 2 other children who are alive and need you, we need to have you induced now to ensure nothing happens to you. So 2 wks later, I was induced and Ashlynne was born still and went to with Jesus. They did an autopsy and several genetic tests to try and figure out what happened...the diagnosis...WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED but it started at about 3wks into the pregnancy and there was nothing you could have done. She had spinal bifida (her spine was severed at the bottom of her ribs and a sack of spinal fluid grew so she would be paralyzed), because of the spine, her skull was being pulled so it formed a lemon shape which did not allow her brain to grow properly so she would have no way to feel, speak, eat, love, have any type of emotion at all, she had 2 club feet, 1 kidney and her heart was flipped upside down and wired backwards. So if she had made it to full term and through delivery, she would of had to have 2 open heart surgeries to fix her heart and then another surgery to close her spine. They dr's all agreed, she wouldn't not have been able to survive even one of those surgeries.
I still struggle with whether or not we made the right decision. My heart breaks thinking that maybe if we had of just waited, God could have done a miracle. Maybe we didn't trust Him enough, maybe nothing would have happened to me or my body and I could have had more time with her. Guilt suffocates me some days. I know God is faithful, I know He is forgiving and I know I am covered by His blood but I still feel the guilt...
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