We've all heard the verse "God is faithful, and he will not let you be
tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide
the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13), well I'm about done with being tested. I really don't think I can take anymore...everyday there seems to be some new curve ball that is being thrown at me that I need to try and cope with. Every around me is happy and moving on with life (and that's great for them) but please don't expected me to be jumping up and down in glee. I'm still mourning. I'm still struggling with all the 'tests' that God has given me and I feel like I"m drowning in it right now.
I'm tired of hearing that it's time to move on, it's time to be happy, it's time to stop feeling the pain, that's it's been a year why am I still holding on. I LOST MY CHILD!!!! That will never go away. The pain will never stop. It is forever burned into my heart. Unless you've been in this place, you cannot understand the devastation, the loss, the pain, the sheer torture of not being able to hold your child, or love your child, or see that child grow into something amazing. Yes, she's healthy. Yes, she's whole. Yes, she's with Jesus. I'm grateful for all of that. I still want her here with me though...
I know will not be in this place forever and my anger and pain will subside. I am trusting that God is and will continue to walk beside me through this journey. I just wish I could actually feel His presence. This place I'm in feels so very lonely...I feel so very abandoned by my faith and my God right now. I feel/see those around me being blessed with so much and I wonder what I have done to make God not want to bless my life. What am I missing?? What do I need to change?? What do I still need to learn?? I'm trusting Him but maybe not enough?? Maybe I"m still holding on to too much?? I'm at a loss.
So I will continue to try and move forward...I will continue to try and rely on my faith (which feels absent) to get me through...
my best friend, I wish that I could understand your pain and I wish that I could say or do something to magically remove this from you.... but I can't. I want to. My heart hurts that you are in so much pain and suffering.
ReplyDeleteI love you and if I can do anything let me know. I commit to pray for you daily. What you are going through is not unusual or odd, you are grieving and that takes time.
You are strong and beautiful in and out because that is how God made you. I know you feel like He has left you, but He is there. In the smile of your children, in the phone call from a friend, in everything around you.
Father God, I pray specifically today that Kristi would feel your presence with her in a tangible way. She loves you and is grasping for you. In Jesus' name we pray.
I hate to see your beautiful heart so sad, Im praying for you lots.
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