Broken

We've all heard the verse "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13), well I'm about done with being tested.  I really don't think I can take anymore...everyday there seems to be some new curve ball that is being thrown at me that I need to try and cope with.  Every around me is happy and moving on with life (and that's great for them) but please don't expected me to be jumping up and down in glee.  I'm still mourning.  I'm still struggling with all the 'tests' that God has given me and I feel like I"m drowning in it right now.
I'm tired of hearing that it's time to move on, it's time to be happy, it's time to stop feeling the pain, that's it's been a year why am I still holding on.  I LOST MY CHILD!!!!  That will never go away.  The pain will never stop.  It is forever burned into my heart.  Unless you've been in this place, you cannot understand the devastation, the loss, the pain, the sheer torture of not being able to hold your child, or love your child, or see that child grow into something amazing.  Yes, she's healthy.  Yes, she's whole.  Yes, she's with Jesus.  I'm grateful for all of that.  I still want her here with me though...


I know will not be in this place forever and my anger and pain will subside.  I am trusting that God is and will continue to walk beside me through this journey.  I just wish I could actually feel His presence.  This place I'm in feels so very lonely...I feel so very abandoned by my faith and my God right now.  I feel/see those around me being blessed with so much and I wonder what I have done to make God not want to bless my life.  What am I missing??  What do I need to change??  What do I still need to learn??  I'm trusting Him but maybe not enough??  Maybe I"m still holding on to too much??  I'm at a loss.


So I will continue to try and move forward...I will continue to try and rely on my faith (which feels absent) to get me through...

Emotions

It's been a while since I posted.  These last few months have been filled with so many emotions and I wasn't able to really put them into words.  We have been trying to get pregnant again with the help of fertility drugs.  This is not an easy process as the drugs themselves make me more emotional and take a toll on my body.  We have been clinging to hope that we will be able to experience the joy of having another child.  So far, no luck.  Which brings disappointment, frustration, pain and sorrow.  There's also anger and desperation mixed in.  On top of dealing with that, we just celebrated Ashlynne's 1 year heavenly anniversary.  I had no idea how much deep, intense, agonizing pain and sorrow would resurface with this occasion.   I have not felt this type of emotion since losing Ashlynne a year ago.  It took me by surprise and I have not been dealing with it well.  It has shaken me to my core and I have started to doubt everything and everyone in my life. I have episodes of uncontrolled crying.  I couldn't stop if I wanted too.  I know this is still part of the healing process but it's hard on my family and friends to see my go through this and have no idea how to help...I have no idea what they could do to help...I need prayer.  I need to dig deep into my faith again, even though I have anger towards God right now, and pull myself out of this pit.  I need to heal and move forward and not linger in this pain.  It is suffocating....