Disappointment

This last month was a month of hope, excitement and ultimately disappointment.  We started trying to conceive again.  First time since losing Ashlynne.  I kept going back and forth on whether this was what I really wanted.  A baby again...our youngest is almost 4.  Do I really want to lose all the independence that we seem to have now?  Go back to breast feeding and diapers??  I was really confused on how I felt.  The fertility drugs certainly didn't help and had adverse effects on my body but I wasn't going to let it slow me down.  We went through the motions and as the time approached to check if everything went according to 'our' plan, I got a faint + test on DPO 10 and another on DPO 11.  I was so exicted!!!  And then I was scared to death.  And then I was excited again.  I called my mom and my husband and we started praying and talking and planning.  The next morning I took another test just to be sure.  It came up -.  We were confused so I took another test and it was -.  Needless to say, my cycle started and there is no pregnancy.  But this whole experience did make me realize just how much I do want another child.  It also made me realize that my plan and my dream for my life may not be what God has planned and I have to find a way to be ok with that.  I'm not there yet but I am relying on God to show me the way to get there. 

Moving Forward

Decision have to be made.  We can't keep pushing them aside.  So, Darren and I sat down and talked...about the future of our family.  What we wanted to do and when.  It was a hard topic to discuss after losing Ashlynne.  Is it the right time?  Was losing her God's way of saying we had enough kids or that I wasn't a good enough mother?  Are we honoring Ashlynne's memory enough?  What will our families say?  What will our friends say?  Financially can we still afford it?  And so on.  So many questions and really no answers.  So we decided to pray.  And pray some more.  We'd each have our own conversations with God then talk with each other.  Yes, it was time to move forward.  It was time to start making decisions.  Yes, it was time to start the process of trying again.  So we press forward with hope in our hearts trying not to allow fear and anxiety to take hold.  Here's to giving it all over to God and allowing Him to do what is best and right for our family....